Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
