I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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