Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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