why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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