Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
