i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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