I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
