dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
