This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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