True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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