My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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