literally had 100 drinks last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
