she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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