She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need to align my fucking chakras
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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