Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
