LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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