Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
