hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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