we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize