You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
