I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My bed smells like the plague
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
