I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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