i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
