her vagine was all disorganized.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
this is an emotional support booty call
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
