So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
