im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize