My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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