my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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