Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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