I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
