I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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