its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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