my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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