we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
