he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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