god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
