wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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