We got so high we made milksteak
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
