3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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