this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
