this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
