I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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