I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
