oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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