I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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