I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
