I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
