I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
