I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Actions speak louder than pants.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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