i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
