textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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