i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
