Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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