The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
