I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
