I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
