you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
