Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
