me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
